I Don’t Get Why Zombies Are So Scary & Why Do Vampires Need Blood?

For a complete change of pace I’m throwing two topics out there that I just don’t get.

The Walking Dead on AMC

First.  Zombies.  I watched Walking Dead.  Especially since Gale Anne Hurd produced it and she just optioned Area 51, except not my Area 51, she optioned the supposed non-fiction Area 51 to make a fiction TV series.  So I don’t get that one either.  Gale, give me a buzz.  I already did the heavy lifting with nine books.

Anywho.  So in season one, they have to drape themselves in assorted body parts to get through the zombies because they can smell ya.  Then in season two, all it takes is pulling a body on top of you as a horde of zombies comes ambling through and they don’t smell you at all.  Huh?  And then there’s the guy who conveniently rips his arm open and is spewing blood, but they don’t smell that either?  So what exactly are the zombie rules?

But let’s go bigger picture.  How threatening is a creature that can only shuffle along and only hurt you if it makes blood to blood contact?  I mean you can outrun the things right?  Okay, so there’s lots of them.  Then more bullets.  They kept showing scenes of tanks and machine guns over-run.  How?  Even in the Civil War with muzzle loaders, it took the bad ass Confederates 12 charges running and screaming like banshees six hours to break the Hornet’s Nest at Shiloh.  I think if zombies had been charging, the Union would have wiped them out with their muzzle loaders and they didn’t have tanks and machine guns.  They’d even have had time for a tip or two of Oh-Be-Joyful in between firing.  So I aint buying zombies taking over, but I’m open to someone explaining it to me.

Which, totally aside, reminds me of the totally worthless movie made of the classic Starship Troopers where the Infantry is fighting bugs.  Did we suddenly forget how to make tanks?  Huh?  In the book, the Mobile Infantry were some bad asses, in exo-skeleton suits carrying nukes.  How’d they end up guys in cheap plastic body armor getting scissored by bugs?

Back to Walking Dead.  Note the key word is WALKING?  And we had plenty of time to do that, since they’re still shuffling around.  In the same episode where you can just hide under a car and zombies with their keen sense of smell walk on by, the survivors are searching a convoy of cars out of Atlanta for supplies and weapons.  And get real excited because they find—tada!—a set of knives and hatchets.  Wow.  Excuse me.  Atlanta is in Georgia.  If there was a convoy of cars in Georgia there’d be enough freaking firepower in those cars to outfit a regiment of Infantry.  Ditto for cars out of LA, Detroit, Bumfuck Arkansas, you name it.  We got more guns in this country than we have brains.  Or zombies.

And then they’re arguing, should so and so be allowed a gun?  Hey.  You got DEAD people walking around, folks!  The least of your worries is whose got a gun.

And then there is all the suspense over the guy shagging the protagonist’s wife.  First, they did think he was dead.  Two, we got DEAD people walking around, folks, eating LIVING people!  Least of your worries is who is shagging who.  I know the male brain supposedly thinks about sex like a gazzillion times every second (do male zombies do the same since it’s in that core part of our brain that’s apparently left?) but I have to tell you this.  Sex, while on a mission in Black Ops, never even occurred to any of us.  We were kind of more concerned with like, you know, LIVING.  So there are times us Neanderthals aint thinking about—what was that, I forgot because I was thinking about sex forty-two times in the last sentence.

Which brings me to vampires, well, not really, but here’s my problem there.  They’re DEAD right?  Sort of like zombies?  So why do vampires need blood and zombies need to eat?

Really, what’s with the blood thing?  Dead is dead.  They don’t need food.  Why do they need blood?  In my vampire book published before vampire books were about sparkly and teenage girls, the blood was the vampire, served a unique purpose and came from . . . well, you’re just going to have to read the damn book along with Gale Anne Hurd.  But you heard of telomeres?

I asked that at a Romance Writers of America chapter and got an answer that partially explained it.  Male vampires need blood, because, well, you know, for some reason they’d rather shag a human woman than drink her blood and a guy needs a certain supply of blood to enable that, along with, to believe all the commercials during football games, a lot of certain pills.  Because, you know, you never know when the moment might occur.  If you’re married, you know when that moment is going to occur.  Never.  Duh.

Or the vampire wants to drink her blood and then shag her.  Whatever.  But one thing for sure.  They don’t want to spend the night and they won’t call the next day.

Which brings me to that chick in Twilight Huh?  What’s so freaking special about her?  In fact, she’s kind of irritating.  Like the vampire and the werewolf are both lusting after her?  Come on.  They’re lusting after each other.  She’s just in the way.

Now there is a point to understanding zombies and vampires.  It’s why my nonfiction work in progress is:  The Green Beret Guide to Surviving The Apocalypse, Zombies and other Lesser Disasters.  See, zombies represent a blood borne communicable disease.  THAT is a real threat.  An airborne one could damn near wipe us out.  Did you see Contagion? I thought they were pretty restrained in that, but one key thing is note all the GOOD people who helped others died.  I actually think if an airborne virus with a 20% kill rate evolved, civilization would break down faster than you could say crossbow.  Speaking of which, I’m still out there plugging away.  Because I can reload and fire my crossbow faster than any damn zombie can get me.  But, I still prefer 5.56 at 250 meters.  And then 9mm, doubletap to the forehead, after I run out of the several thousand rounds of 5.56 which aint happening anyway. But if it does.  And then I run out of all my mags of 9mm and all my bolts for my crossbow, it’s time to pull out the dagger.  And then, well, I can kill them with my little pinkie.  But I’d stab you in the leg first, because it all comes down to is who can outrun the zombie.  Sort of like outrunning the bear who shits in the woods.  You don’t have to outrun it.  You have to outrun everyone else in your group.

About Bob Mayer

Bob Mayer is a NY Times Bestselling author, graduate of West Point, former Green Beret (including commanding an A-Team) and the feeder of two Yellow Labs, most famously Cool Gus. He's had over 60 books published including the #1 series Area 51, Atlantis and The Green Berets. Born in the Bronx, having traveled the world (usually not tourist spots), he now lives peacefully with his wife, and said labs, at Write on the River, TN.

Posted on January 28, 2012, in Movies/TV and other fun stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 53 Comments.

  1. Laughing Out Loud!!
    Thank you, Good Humor Man! I needed that this morning. LT

  2. Zombies used to scare me silly…blame my teenage uncles who thought it would be hilarious to show 9 year old me Dawn of the Dead. Gave me nightmares for 20 years. LOL. It took me a long time to figure out why zombies were even so scary. I think it’s the mindlessness and the fact that you can’t reason with them or scare them away. Sure, you can outrun them but you get tired and they don’t. Until you shoot ’em in the head, they’ll just keep coming. And, if they surround you, you might not be able to shoot your way out. Then, if they get you, you’ll become one of them.

    Zombies don’t much scare me anymore. I even find them kind of fun…but I can still see why the mindless, relentless beast seems scary. I’m sure it’s partly related to our fears of mortality, blah blah blah. Anyway, they can make for good stories. In fact, I just did a blog post on the plausibility of real zombies. Folks had some very interesting ideas. A couple of folks had some downright scary ideas about technology and science in today’s world.

    Vampires…I don’t really get at all. But I do enjoy some vampire stories. *shrug*

  3. Rolling on the floor laughing—okay sitting at my computer laughing.

    Love this post. Agreed the chick from Twilight is beyond irritating, even more so in the books. Post-Romero zombies are nothing more than props, decaying skeet. Pull!. The problem lies in convenient world-building or even lack of world-building. I write urban fantasy and have in my in my “sparks’ file (the ToBeWritten-Maybe folder) ideas around the older zombie tradition, which could be much more interesting.

  4. Hi Bob. I watched The Walking Dead too and the same stuff had me scratching my head. On top of that, the characters are all so damn unlikeable. I know that flaws can make a character realistic and relatable, but not when they are all flaw!

    And what’s with the crying all the time? Especially the guys! Rick cries five times an episode. I get that it’s tough. But surely there comes a point when you become deadened to the endless horror and become just numb inside (with the occasional cry allowed).

    As for the plot, it really lost its way in the second series. There are probably budgetary concerns, and you can’t have them facing armies of extras in a closed-off part of Atlantis in every episode, but half the second series had no zombies at all, while people worked through their relationship issues (and everyone seemed to have one). People, the world is going to hell in a handcart, we can sort this stuff out later!

    There is something strangely compelling about it though – I think I’ve watched all the episodes. And it does arouse a lot of passion. Maybe because it could have been so much better.

    If you want a good zombie flick, try 28 Days Later. It’s the same idea (which The Walking Dead totally ripped it off) – guy wakes up from a coma to find an empty world around him until… And the acting is far superior. And the zombies are FAST.

    • Thank you! I didn’t get past the first 15 minutes of The Walking Dead pilot because it was just so blatantly a rip off of 28 Days Later. Haven’t watched a minute of it since, and from I hear, I’m not missing much.

  5. I agree, in between fits of laughter. The shuffling, snuffling zombie doesn’t scare me but it’s the super fast, viscous ones that give me the heebies. My husband says that in the zombie takeover, I’d probably be one of the first to get eaten. I suspect he’s right.

  6. On a more somber and gross note, I once suffered from an uncontrollable nose bleed and and as a result had to swallow my own blood. Well, this went on for twenty-four hours until the doctors stopped the bleeding.
    Let me tell you, a steady diet of fresh blood is awful. The salt in the blood makes you vomit it back up and it tastes nasty. The next day in the hospital, going to the toilet was, shall we say, an interesting experience. I wouldn’t recommend it to any vampire or zombie. Have a Big Mac instead.

  7. On a serious note, both are symbols of our primal fear of death, and the fear of the dead returning to prey on the living. (Hence-eating brains & drinking blood) They also play on the fear that those closest to you can become an enemy. Also most people now days avoid conflict, so the idea of fighting for their life, against an undead horde or supernatural predator, terrifies them.

    On a more silly side, you can kill a zombie and not feel bad about it, so you can slaughter away and still be considered a hero. Vampires in romance are also supernaturally attractive and whoever they bite also becomes beautiful forever. So it’s a win-win situation, they just have to give up on getting a tan for eternity.

    • Took the words right out of my mouth. :D

      I just wrote a blog about this topic, oddly enough. My biggest point was that blood is high-concept. We all have it, and it’s a symbol of life. Something eating that (whether it’s a mosquito, leech, or a vampire bat…or a vampire) is unpleasant to anyone. :)

  8. I always thought you had to cut off a zombie’s head so he isn’t re-animated?
    Anyway, this was a hoot.
    Never saw Night of the Living Dead until SCUBA instructor in college told us we practiced things over and over so we wouldn’t be underwater and have the “Night of the Living Dead” syndrome. He acted it out, but I still had to see the movie. I figure if a zombie comes at me I’m fine. A shark, a whole nother story.

  9. Okay Bob if you are basing all your opinions of zombie lore on “The Walking Dead” you are mistaken. Yes, zombies lumber around, but did you watch zombies vs vampires on “Deadliest Warriors?”
    The scary part about zombies is not the one or two that you might be able to shoot with your crossbow or maybe the hundred you may kill with a Gatlin gun, but the thousands who overwhelm. They don’t stop. They keep coming and eventually, I am going to run out of ammunition and the thought of fighting off thousands with a long knife is just foolhardy. Now in “28 Days” those are scary zombies. They run, think, and plan. Zombies don’t actually scare me, but I do write fiction about them.
    It’s more about the survival than the things that’s killing you. I agree an airborne virus is more deadlier. Even blood borne like AIDS has reached epidemic proportions. The thing about virus…they mutate. Now there is a scary thought.
    I’m not even going to touch “Twilight.”

  10. 28 days was a good movie. Actually, the interesting thing is that they switched the lead role in I Am Legend. In Dick’s story, it was told from the POV of the people infected.
    I explained Vampires quite well in Area 51 Nosferatu. After all, the aliens told me all about it when I was “visiting” their mothership.

  11. Fast zombies are terrifying (28 Days Later, I Am Legend, etc.). If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, I vote for the slow lumbery ones. Then at least this asthmatic might stand a chance.

    “They were lusting after each other; she was just in the way.” HAHAHAHA!


    I still like vampires. My explanation for the blood thing is that my vampires are another species of critter and that’s what they evolved to feed on. There are certain mammals who live on blood, so it’s at least quasi-plausible. But then again, my blood-suckers aren’t undead, and they can have children. So…there’s that.

  12. For the definitive zombie movie I recommend ‘Shaun of the Dead’. Much funnier than Dawn of the Dead. And it explains the issues around escape rather well.

  13. You better be careful, Mr. Meyer…everyone will be showing up at your house when the apocalypse comes at this rate.

    P.s. dibs on the couch. I don’t each much, and I’m clean. Promise.

  14. That is the conundrum. I think the key is to target the survivalist closest to you. They’ve done all the hard work.
    Seriously, though, the key to the survival book I’m working on is building a team, not surviving on your own. What’s the point?
    In Contagion, which was a good movie, the good people died because they helped others. I think the good people need to survive and still help others.

    • Bob, I agree. It’s all about teamwork. On my survival team I have medical, construction/destruction, security, cooks, gardeners, etc and they are all family. (Big grin)

      In “Contagion” the book was better, but the movie was okay. The premise that all the good people die is unrealistic.

  15. That was too funny! I’m in tears because you are so right about Bella of Twilight fame. I mean really, she smells good? What does she smell like? A rare steak?

  16. Zombies are fear of The Known (a.k.a. dread), vampires are fear of The Other – that primal tribal pattern-matching monkey thing.

    That said, I love it when you get ranty/bitchy – you’re hilarious when you let yourself get going! THANK YOU for the callout to the REAL Starship Troopers. The movie sucked sweaty goat balls. Totes agree on Twilight. She was meat, the boys both conflated kill/fuck with no follow-through. But that would have been a different movie. Hopefully without sparkles.

    The Walking Dead is just a soap opera with ooga-boogas and decent gore. If you want to read a good post-apocalyptic novel that includes zombies, check out Mira Grant’s FEED. She does it right, from science to sociology.

  17. OMG!! Bob you should rant more often. Great stuff! Seems to me with everyone romanticizing the Vampire (ie: most are in love with a woman who shows him he should buy his supply from a blood bank or partake of animal blood — Oh, wait until PETA gets hold of that one) we humans should have very little to worry about. The male vamp has become a civilized, love-sick creature. And yeah, Zombies are slow. AND in the immortal words of Scooby Doo: Rumb Rombies. ;)

  18. Vampires and Werewolves in romance are pretty much all about boiling down Man to his essences of Appetite and Animal. The taming of either force by woman is a form of coping and articulating the desire to take that which can pretty much force women to its will whether we agree or not, and subjecting it to a power of our own.

    Scary vampires are the hidden predators behind the faces of other people that we’re supposed to have humanity in common with. Even scary vampires steal our women and emasculate our warriors. They’re an Other that lives inside us in the form of a communicable, possibly sexually-transmitted, disease that turns us against one another.

    One thing that makes zombies scary is that they are our predator, and they win by numbers. Not by shambling, but by sheer numbers. It’s very demoralizing to fight in a war where every casualty on your side is a recruit on theirs. It’s a very short war of attrition. And humanity loses its potential beyond the animal when we’re just fighting to survive long enough to breathe, let alone breed and create and discover.

    In Walking Dead, I got annoyed with the “let’s introduce this character, make you care about them, then forget they ever existed and leave their fate undetermined while we focus about a friggin’ love triangle.” But what made the zombies scary wasn’t that they were slow or even that they were horrific (although if you watch the webisodes about Hannah–the torso-zombie–they leave you feeling really, wretchedly sad if you’re a parent), but that they were so often people the main characters formerly knew (and they play with that). There’s an underlying message there that eventually, it’s going to be every man for himself.

    Zombies are scary because there are 7 Billion people in the world now. They are us, as the Ravening Horde, consuming and subsuming everything in their path, without regard to anything but their hunger. Zombies are the Ultimate Consumer, led around by the most base of instincts, without any regard for preservation or the future or even their fellow zombies. They’re like the plague of locusts, only with our faces. Eating our faces.

    Also Twilight? All about how sex turns you into a monster, but a pretty one. If you have sex, you’ll be pretty, but a monster.

  19. Thanks, Bob. This made my day.

  20. Bob, Bob, Bob, it’s called a willing suspension of of disbelief…oh yeah, but you gotta have a good story. If the story isn’t good, there ain’t no willing suspension of disbelief. That’s why your analysis of the Walking Dead is, well, dead on(I’m sorry, the devil made me do it)…and very funny!

  21. Hysterical, Bob. Loved all of it.

  22. You need to see Zombieland. The very first rule to killing Zombies is the double tap.

    Plus, we all know Walking Dead isn’t about the zombies. It’s about what you said, Bob…the characters :-)

  23. Zombies don’t frighten me, though I have to say The Walking Dead kind of creeps me out in a gross way, not a scary way. I just have not been able to get into the show, and this coming from someone who is dying to write the female version of Hannibal Lecter.

    Personally, I loved the Twilight series. I have no real valid reason. My daughter got me hooked. Maybe because it was something we could “discuss” when she was at that age when she didn’t “discuss” anything with her mom. Plus, she was reading. I also blame her for my fascination with everything Harry Potter. Now, if I can just get my boys to read. Oh wait, that’s right, Golf and Hockey magazines constitutes reading.

    One of my girlfriends is currently planning for the end of civilization. Really planning for it. She’s been learning how to live off the land for the last five years and its actually kind of cool when you look at her “survival plan”. We’re having dinner at her house on 21 December, 2012.

  24. Great post, Bob. It’s hard to believe what people are reading and watching– but there are a lot of them!

    Oh, BTW. You only have to outrun one person in your group– not everybody, LOL. I’ll take an automatic over a stick any day!

    • True, an automatic is easier to drive, but the stick will get better mileage. Crickets.

      Vampires & shape shifters are just more critters for the heroines to have sex with, all the better to avoid actual human males. For whatever reason, we can’t keep a woman’s interest any more. Why does “He might kill me” equate to “He’s very interesting”?

      As for zombies, well, that’s just politics, right? Or a statement about advertising and mindless consumerism. Which would be about the same thing.

      Very funny post, Bob. You seem regenerated.


  25. Excellent, loved it, have shared it. And I agree. I don’t get the zombie thing either

  26. Great post. Thanks.

    Ghosts used to scare me. And the Werewolf, even though I found him kind of pathetic even as a kid. Frankenstein was kind of the original zombie and a sympathetic figure at that. But scary? no. Dracula, what a creep – how anyone could ever make vampires into sex symbols is beyond me (wait, what was her name?) Oh yeah, Ann Rice. I loved the first couple of books because the vampires were sexy but extremely creepy.

    I get the zombie thing – to me it’s the monster coming out of the closet. He’s coming, he’s always coming – and he’s going to get you. But zombies are not monster-scary. Are they supposed to be scary or just gross? That’s what sad. Scary movies aren’t really scary anymore. The Shining, that was scary. Ghosts again.

    That said, I did think The Fog had some truly scary moments – the 1980 version, not the stupid remake. But the zombies were more ghostlike than, say, brain-obsessed foot-draggers.

    Sparkly zombies – there’s a niche for you.

  27. @Bob

    Amen, brother. I hate zombie flicks, vampire flicks, and werewolf flicks. They operate without any internal logic or consistency.

    That said, I liked _Teen Wolf_ (Michael Fox) and _Ultraviolet_ (Milla Jovovich). _Teen Wolf_ was funny and fun. _Ultraviolet_ was . . . well . . . eye-popping Milla Jovovich. But, hey, I would watch Milla Jovovich read a menu in Urdu and give it a thumbs-up.

  28. Milla was pretty good in the 5th Element. That was a goofy movie but fun.

  29. Loved this post, Bob. Brilliant points. While I’m not writing urban fiction whatsoever, I do agree with you in that there should be some scientific, reasonable, logical explanations for the magical and mystical. Now I’m rather looking forward to your non-fiction. :-)

  30. Lol. Great post. I’m always driving my teen daughter nuts by saying, “But why don’t they just . . .?” Thanks for the laugh.

  31. All excelent points! And thanks for the insight on the vampires and blood needs topic. As many before have stated already. . . Thanks for the laugh.

  32. LOL. Great questions, some of which I had thought of–where the vampires were concerned. I’ve always been too disgusted by zombies to wonder much about them–except why they have to eat living people/brains of living people. I mean what is that about? You’re right, though, that there’s no logic to having dead things eat at all. If we were looking for logic, which most vamp/zomb fans aren’t, right? Right.

  33. Hilarious! Thank you for a great post. But teenage zombies run faster. And yes, dead is most definitely dead. So I think they should be referred to as the ‘living impaired’.

  34. One other aspect of zombies is that they are us, but without our higher faculties. They’re us, mindless. They’re a direct attack on what makes us human, and special, and unique, and individual. Once you’re a zombie, whatever made you you is gone, but your body (the one you’ve taken care of and lived in and grown and all that) is now controlled by something besides you. It’s like driving by your old house and seeing the new owners have trashed the joint, torn up the flower beds, and painted the brand new siding puke-yellow.

  35. “It’s the same idea (which The Walking Dead totally ripped it off) – guy wakes up from a coma to find an empty world around him until…”

    Which, as far as I’m aware, ’28 Days Later’ ripped off from the BBC version of ‘Day Of The Triffids’ (the good one, not the recent remake). Possibly that’s direct from the book, but I’ve never read it. The rest of the movie just seemed to be a hodge-podge lifted from other zombie movies that made more sense.

    I generally agree that the ‘Walking Dead’ TV show makes little sense, but it somehow managed to keep me watching to the end of the first season despite the increasingly blatant flaws. The comic was better, but I still couldn’t manage to get far into a series which killed off most of the characters every few issues.

    Back on the original topic, I think Romero got zombies right in his early movies and most of the recent zombie writers really don’t know what they’re doing. His zombies weren’t scary because they were dead people, they were scary because they were your wife and grandpa and they were beating on the door wanting to eat you… and turn you into one of them. More recent writers saying ‘oh, but we’ve made zombies FAST’ rather misses the whole point, IMHO.

  36. Hi Bob,

    Thank God there is someone else out there who doesn’t get the whole zombie, vampire thing. I thought it was just me. I still can’t fathom out why there are so popular – to me they’re just so boring!

  37. I got so tired of watching movies where people stood there, waiting to be mauled by hordes of mindless zombies, that when I finally wrote them into the world of “Just Another Day in Suburbia” (which also includes trolls, dwarves, and goblins), I decided to play with the stereotypes and integrate the zombies into our society. Instead of a terrifying horde, I made zombies an underclass of people created through scientific experimentation and used to do “mindless” jobs (i.e., holding the Stop/Slow sign on road crews, picking up garbage in alleys, hauling trash away from construction sites, etc.) and then discard when they finally deteriorate beyond the point of usefulness. (BTW – no offense intended to the people who actually have these jobs – I was creating a *fictional* world!). I went so far as to create a major-character zombie named “Muzak” who works as an interior decorator by day and a copyeditor by night (he doesn’t sleep). Not only does Muzak shuffle along very slowly in proper zombie fashion (good thing he charges by the job, not by the hour!), he also talks very slowly, and carries around small tins of pet food to keep the cravings for raw flesh at bay… after all, it would be bad for business if he accidentally ate an annoying client!
    I have to admit, though, I still don’t get the whole zombie-romance thing… ewww!!

  38. Day of the Triffids was a great book!

  39. Even Goran Visnjic didn’t do it for me as a zombie. (Think the movie was Practical Magic with Nicole Kidman.) BTW, I don’t know enough about zombies to even know what you’retaking about, Bob. LOVED the vampire part–would make an awesome stand-up routine.

  40. This is pure brilliance! I was laughing my @** off! I could picture the whole thing in my mind’s eye as you were explaining it. LOL I always wondered why they would show the military vehicles of convoys and such leaving the impression that zombies got the best of our military and yet a raggedy group of survivors lead by a couple of sheriffs can come through and keep getting by. Alrighty.

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  42. So true! I did like the Twilight books, but as far as I’m concerned, Romero’s Night and Dawn and the Dawn remake are scary and say everything that needs to be said about zombies, and Bram Stoker’s Dracula and the movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula say everything that needs to be said about vampires. Except maybe the original Fright Night and The Lost Boys. And Salem’s Lot.

  43. ROFL! Well said. I’ve wondered some of those things myself. Great post. Thank you for the laughter.

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