For a complete change of pace I’m throwing two topics out there that I just don’t get.
First. Zombies. I watched Walking Dead. Especially since Gale Anne Hurd produced it and she just optioned Area 51, except not my Area 51, she optioned the supposed non-fiction Area 51 to make a fiction TV series. So I don’t get that one either. Gale, give me a buzz. I already did the heavy lifting with nine books.
Anywho. So in season one, they have to drape themselves in assorted body parts to get through the zombies because they can smell ya. Then in season two, all it takes is pulling a body on top of you as a horde of zombies comes ambling through and they don’t smell you at all. Huh? And then there’s the guy who conveniently rips his arm open and is spewing blood, but they don’t smell that either? So what exactly are the zombie rules?
But let’s go bigger picture. How threatening is a creature that can only shuffle along and only hurt you if it makes blood to blood contact? I mean you can outrun the things right? Okay, so there’s lots of them. Then more bullets. They kept showing scenes of tanks and machine guns over-run. How? Even in the Civil War with muzzle loaders, it took the bad ass Confederates 12 charges running and screaming like banshees six hours to break the Hornet’s Nest at Shiloh. I think if zombies had been charging, the Union would have wiped them out with their muzzle loaders and they didn’t have tanks and machine guns. They’d even have had time for a tip or two of Oh-Be-Joyful in between firing. So I aint buying zombies taking over, but I’m open to someone explaining it to me.
Which, totally aside, reminds me of the totally worthless movie made of the classic Starship Troopers where the Infantry is fighting bugs. Did we suddenly forget how to make tanks? Huh? In the book, the Mobile Infantry were some bad asses, in exo-skeleton suits carrying nukes. How’d they end up guys in cheap plastic body armor getting scissored by bugs?
Back to Walking Dead. Note the key word is WALKING? And we had plenty of time to do that, since they’re still shuffling around. In the same episode where you can just hide under a car and zombies with their keen sense of smell walk on by, the survivors are searching a convoy of cars out of Atlanta for supplies and weapons. And get real excited because they find—tada!—a set of knives and hatchets. Wow. Excuse me. Atlanta is in Georgia. If there was a convoy of cars in Georgia there’d be enough freaking firepower in those cars to outfit a regiment of Infantry. Ditto for cars out of LA, Detroit, Bumfuck Arkansas, you name it. We got more guns in this country than we have brains. Or zombies.
And then they’re arguing, should so and so be allowed a gun? Hey. You got DEAD people walking around, folks! The least of your worries is whose got a gun.
And then there is all the suspense over the guy shagging the protagonist’s wife. First, they did think he was dead. Two, we got DEAD people walking around, folks, eating LIVING people! Least of your worries is who is shagging who. I know the male brain supposedly thinks about sex like a gazzillion times every second (do male zombies do the same since it’s in that core part of our brain that’s apparently left?) but I have to tell you this. Sex, while on a mission in Black Ops, never even occurred to any of us. We were kind of more concerned with like, you know, LIVING. So there are times us Neanderthals aint thinking about—what was that, I forgot because I was thinking about sex forty-two times in the last sentence.
Really, what’s with the blood thing? Dead is dead. They don’t need food. Why do they need blood? In my vampire book published before vampire books were about sparkly and teenage girls, the blood was the vampire, served a unique purpose and came from . . . well, you’re just going to have to read the damn book along with Gale Anne Hurd. But you heard of telomeres?
I asked that at a Romance Writers of America chapter and got an answer that partially explained it. Male vampires need blood, because, well, you know, for some reason they’d rather shag a human woman than drink her blood and a guy needs a certain supply of blood to enable that, along with, to believe all the commercials during football games, a lot of certain pills. Because, you know, you never know when the moment might occur. If you’re married, you know when that moment is going to occur. Never. Duh.
Or the vampire wants to drink her blood and then shag her. Whatever. But one thing for sure. They don’t want to spend the night and they won’t call the next day.
Which brings me to that chick in Twilight. Huh? What’s so freaking special about her? In fact, she’s kind of irritating. Like the vampire and the werewolf are both lusting after her? Come on. They’re lusting after each other. She’s just in the way.
Now there is a point to understanding zombies and vampires. It’s why my nonfiction work in progress is: The Green Beret Guide to Surviving The Apocalypse, Zombies and other Lesser Disasters. See, zombies represent a blood borne communicable disease. THAT is a real threat. An airborne one could damn near wipe us out. Did you see Contagion? I thought they were pretty restrained in that, but one key thing is note all the GOOD people who helped others died. I actually think if an airborne virus with a 20% kill rate evolved, civilization would break down faster than you could say crossbow. Speaking of which, I’m still out there plugging away. Because I can reload and fire my crossbow faster than any damn zombie can get me. But, I still prefer 5.56 at 250 meters. And then 9mm, doubletap to the forehead, after I run out of the several thousand rounds of 5.56 which aint happening anyway. But if it does. And then I run out of all my mags of 9mm and all my bolts for my crossbow, it’s time to pull out the dagger. And then, well, I can kill them with my little pinkie. But I’d stab you in the leg first, because it all comes down to is who can outrun the zombie. Sort of like outrunning the bear who shits in the woods. You don’t have to outrun it. You have to outrun everyone else in your group.